tales of depression and farriers

Depression is a flushing toilet.  Surrounded by foulness with everything throwing you around and sucking you down, down, down.  Dragging yourself out of the cesspool seems almost impossible. 

 

Now I want to pause and clearly state that I am not talking about clinical depression.  Clinical depression is that which lasts for an extended period of time with no clear external cause and is often caused by a chemical imbalance in the body.  Clinical depression will require help from an external source, be it skilled therapy or medication.  I do not believe that anyone can extract themselves from true clinical depression without some form of external help. 

Here I will be sharing about the ordinary, normal part of life depression that comes from obvious external factors.  When life happens in such a way as you did not wish it too.  You lose someone you love though death or choice, have relational challenges, health or money concerns or, say perhaps, the challenges of a husband losing his job and being home twenty-four seven while I happen to work from home and the constant contact amplifies the already existing problems in the relationship.

I have been living in depression for close to two months.  Depression is something I don’t often deal with.  I have experienced it on occasion but I generally live on the other side of the emotional coin, anxiety.  Anxiety is like living in a Jurassic Park movie. Something big and horrible is always just around the corner stalking you and there is frequent running and screaming, even if just in your mind.  I was taking anti-anxiety medication for almost 6 years and only at the beginning of this year did I determine it was time to be done with the highly addictive medication.  We are going on six months now and I am still on a micro-dose (1/16^th of my original dose) I originally tapered too quickly at the end and went on an emotional and physical roller coaster so went back on at 1/8^th for a month and now 1/16^th which I will stay on until my current reality adjusts somewhat.  My physician did warn me that as my body adjusted to its natural state I might experience mild bi-polar symptoms.  The same medication that treats anxiety is also used for depression.  These two disorders are two sides of the same coin.  I suspect it is our personality that dictates which side we generally land on.                                                             

However, I do not believe my current depression was clinical or even related to my medication withdrawal although I am sure that did not help.  It is purely circumstantial.  I am unhappy in my marriage, now facing money concerns and, here thanks to the side effects of withdrawal, have gained 20lbs since the beginning of the year.  So, I am unhappy with my physical self and unhappy with my physical circumstances.

For several weeks I simply wallowed in it, unawares.  Perhaps this is the natural and appropriate response for externally caused depression.  For a time we need to simply experience it and all that entails.  For this period I did nothing but work, eat (unfortunately too much) and sleep.  I only went to see Teagan to bring his feed and love on him a bit but rarely rode or spent much time with him.  If I did anything outside of working it was playing mindless video games or watching movies I had seen before.  In other words, attempting to escape from my reality and avoiding thinking about it.  Mostly I felt numb and emotionless but if an emotion was felt, it was anger.  Anger at the circumstances and anger at my husband for his mere existence.  Finally, about three weeks ago, I started to “wake up” and recognize where I was at.  At first becoming aware that I was “depressed” was even more depressing!  This is where the toilet analogy comes in… you finally notice what a s#!t hole you are in but you see no way to climb out, so for me, Ijust stayed there and had a pity party about my woeful circumstances and more anger about the cause of them.

Eventually however, the water was cold and stinky in my pity pool toilet.  I really wanted to get out but just could not figure out how to do it.  Finally, a week ago Friday, two important things happened.  My husband decided to go spend two weeks with his son in Idaho so I knew that temporary relief from part of my depressions cause was just on the horizon (he left early Wednesday morning) and more importantly an encouraging comment from my farrier gave me the little nudge in the right direction that helped me see the path out.  

Teagan was having his trim and shoes reset and my farrier commented that his shoes were not worn away like they normally are.  This opened the door and I talked to her about what was going on with my husband, that I had been depressed and hadn’t felt like riding much since his last appointment (six weeks prior) I had only gone out on the trail perhaps three times and ridden only a handful of times in the indoor arena.  She listened and sympathized and in the end simply said “It seems to me if you are depressed you need to ride more, not less”.  I acknowledged that simple truth and agreed with her and it was then that I realized the really sucky thing about depression is that the very things that will help you climb out of it, like doing things you enjoy, are exactly the things your depression makes you not want to do.   

 

I went home feeling encouraged and energized.  The next day I rode and have ridden every other day since.  Saturday I played with my dog and took some pictures.  I did my nails.  I began to clean the disaster the house had sunk into and started reading a good book.  It has been a force of will but the more I did the easier it became. I have begun to re-engage and have drug myself up onto the edge of the toilet, dripping and somewhat stinky but ready to clean up and get back to life.  I also have a “moral of the story” to share with you. 

Be kind to others, encourage the people around you.  You don’t know just how badly they may need it.  Your simple kindness, a smile, a listening ear or a word of encouragement may be the one thing that person needs to grab onto and pull themselves up by.  Thank you Charmaine for letting me talk your ear off and your simple, perceptive words at just the right time and place.