tales of depression and farriers

Depression is a flushing toilet.  Surrounded by foulness with everything throwing you around and sucking you down, down, down.  Dragging yourself out of the cesspool seems almost impossible. 

 

Now I want to pause and clearly state that I am not talking about clinical depression.  Clinical depression is that which lasts for an extended period of time with no clear external cause and is often caused by a chemical imbalance in the body.  Clinical depression will require help from an external source, be it skilled therapy or medication.  I do not believe that anyone can extract themselves from true clinical depression without some form of external help. 

Here I will be sharing about the ordinary, normal part of life depression that comes from obvious external factors.  When life happens in such a way as you did not wish it too.  You lose someone you love though death or choice, have relational challenges, health or money concerns or, say perhaps, the challenges of a husband losing his job and being home twenty-four seven while I happen to work from home and the constant contact amplifies the already existing problems in the relationship.

I have been living in depression for close to two months.  Depression is something I don’t often deal with.  I have experienced it on occasion but I generally live on the other side of the emotional coin, anxiety.  Anxiety is like living in a Jurassic Park movie. Something big and horrible is always just around the corner stalking you and there is frequent running and screaming, even if just in your mind.  I was taking anti-anxiety medication for almost 6 years and only at the beginning of this year did I determine it was time to be done with the highly addictive medication.  We are going on six months now and I am still on a micro-dose (1/16^th of my original dose) I originally tapered too quickly at the end and went on an emotional and physical roller coaster so went back on at 1/8^th for a month and now 1/16^th which I will stay on until my current reality adjusts somewhat.  My physician did warn me that as my body adjusted to its natural state I might experience mild bi-polar symptoms.  The same medication that treats anxiety is also used for depression.  These two disorders are two sides of the same coin.  I suspect it is our personality that dictates which side we generally land on.                                                             

However, I do not believe my current depression was clinical or even related to my medication withdrawal although I am sure that did not help.  It is purely circumstantial.  I am unhappy in my marriage, now facing money concerns and, here thanks to the side effects of withdrawal, have gained 20lbs since the beginning of the year.  So, I am unhappy with my physical self and unhappy with my physical circumstances.

For several weeks I simply wallowed in it, unawares.  Perhaps this is the natural and appropriate response for externally caused depression.  For a time we need to simply experience it and all that entails.  For this period I did nothing but work, eat (unfortunately too much) and sleep.  I only went to see Teagan to bring his feed and love on him a bit but rarely rode or spent much time with him.  If I did anything outside of working it was playing mindless video games or watching movies I had seen before.  In other words, attempting to escape from my reality and avoiding thinking about it.  Mostly I felt numb and emotionless but if an emotion was felt, it was anger.  Anger at the circumstances and anger at my husband for his mere existence.  Finally, about three weeks ago, I started to “wake up” and recognize where I was at.  At first becoming aware that I was “depressed” was even more depressing!  This is where the toilet analogy comes in… you finally notice what a s#!t hole you are in but you see no way to climb out, so for me, Ijust stayed there and had a pity party about my woeful circumstances and more anger about the cause of them.

Eventually however, the water was cold and stinky in my pity pool toilet.  I really wanted to get out but just could not figure out how to do it.  Finally, a week ago Friday, two important things happened.  My husband decided to go spend two weeks with his son in Idaho so I knew that temporary relief from part of my depressions cause was just on the horizon (he left early Wednesday morning) and more importantly an encouraging comment from my farrier gave me the little nudge in the right direction that helped me see the path out.  

Teagan was having his trim and shoes reset and my farrier commented that his shoes were not worn away like they normally are.  This opened the door and I talked to her about what was going on with my husband, that I had been depressed and hadn’t felt like riding much since his last appointment (six weeks prior) I had only gone out on the trail perhaps three times and ridden only a handful of times in the indoor arena.  She listened and sympathized and in the end simply said “It seems to me if you are depressed you need to ride more, not less”.  I acknowledged that simple truth and agreed with her and it was then that I realized the really sucky thing about depression is that the very things that will help you climb out of it, like doing things you enjoy, are exactly the things your depression makes you not want to do.   

 

I went home feeling encouraged and energized.  The next day I rode and have ridden every other day since.  Saturday I played with my dog and took some pictures.  I did my nails.  I began to clean the disaster the house had sunk into and started reading a good book.  It has been a force of will but the more I did the easier it became. I have begun to re-engage and have drug myself up onto the edge of the toilet, dripping and somewhat stinky but ready to clean up and get back to life.  I also have a “moral of the story” to share with you. 

Be kind to others, encourage the people around you.  You don’t know just how badly they may need it.  Your simple kindness, a smile, a listening ear or a word of encouragement may be the one thing that person needs to grab onto and pull themselves up by.  Thank you Charmaine for letting me talk your ear off and your simple, perceptive words at just the right time and place. 

 

 

Do you need a vacation?

 A peaceful morning mocha



Last weekend I took a day of vacation to make a long four day weekend.  It was a stay at home vacation and I spent a lot of time just being quiet, reading, napping, a few movies and generally puttering around the house.  One of those days, while reading some posts on Facebook I saw one of those motivational quote pictures and the text read “My goal is to create a life that I don’t need a vacation from.”  The poster made the comment “Done!”  This person is a “Facebook only” friend, she is one of the many local horse people I am connected to.  All I really know about her is that she is a dressage trainer and is married with two children.

Spending all day working with horses does sound pretty fantastic and I certainly can understand the point and sentiment of the idea of creating a life that you don’t need a vacation from but, nice as that may sound, is it realistic?

I took my short vacation from work because I knew it was becoming necessary.  It was necessary because my job is stressful and I needed some down time.  I am the sole person responsible for billing and accounts receivable.  I need to making sure every penny my company deserves is received.  If I don’t do my job well, the company will not do well either.  Now, about half of my work is rather rote since I have 17 years of experience.  Most of the knowledge is simply there in my head and the work is simple data entry.  The rest however is the more complicated, creative and frustrating part of appeals and collections.  It is challenging and fulfilling but I really can’t honestly say “I love my job”.  That is another sentiment I can appreciate but find unrealistic.  I can say that I have a great appreciation for my job and more importantly, the company I work for.  I work for an amazing company.  Owned and run by three brilliant scientists and doctors, my company is on the leading edge of blood and bone marrow cancer diagnostics and testing.  They treat their employees very well.  They offer great salary and benefits, they are not prone to micro-managing and they allow for a lot of flexibility.  I and several other employees work from home.  I think I come as close as possible to loving my job as anyone does.  However, it is still a job.  I would not do it without compensation.  Our jobs are what pay for our life.  I could never have my horses without my great job, but that great job limits the amount of time I have to spend riding, improving my skills and pursuing other interests.  Thus my job while paying for “my life” also limits it.  That is simply reality.

Back to the starting thought.  Can anyone really create a life that they don’t need a vacation from?  For me at least, the answer is “no”. The only life I can imagine that I would not need a vacation from is a life in which I did not need to work yet had enough money to do all the things I want to do.  Perhaps when I was young, I could have made different choices in a career that made me wealthy and able to retire at 50.  Maybe I could have married a wealthy man... LOL.  Perhaps my Facebook friend has a different perspective since horse training is not known to be lucrative and is, in fact, quite hard on your body, even dangerous.  Then again, perhaps she comes from a wealthy family and/or her husband has a high paying job which allows her to work at what she loves, to the degree she wishes and still be able to enjoy all the things she wants to.  Horses, although certainly not ‘only for the rich' are by no means a cheap hobby.  I can only speculate with mild curiosity about another person’s life. 

 

As for me, I am content.  I am blessed with a great job that allows me some of life’s luxuries.  A job that I understand well, am confident in performing, with a company that treats its employees with respect and generosity AND provides comp time and a month a year of paid leave for those necessary vacations.

How about you?  Do you have a life you don’t need a vacation from?

 

Sometimes I simply need to "stop and smell the roses"

Who are YOU?

 

My beloved Teagan.

Rafiki: The question is, who are you?

Simba: [sighs] I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure?
        From Disney’s “The Lion King”

‘Who are YOU?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for conversation.  Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’    Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

People might ask “What is your name?”   “What do you do?”  “Are you married?”  "Do you have children?”  The answers are specifics that others can use to form a picture in their head of who you are but seriously, has anyone ever been directly asked the question “Who are you?”?  I am not sure I would know how to answer if anyone did ask!

However, “Who am I?” is a question I have spent a lot of time contemplating, especially of late.  I am an introspective person, not surprisingly since it is a synonym for introverted.  But my introspection has been more pronounced over the last few years.  Passing 50 years of age and realizing that even in the best of circumstances, there are more years behind than ahead has me spending considerable time trying to figure out who I really am and what I want out of life. 

There is an individual in my life who tells me that being introverted is just a convenient label for anti-social and that introspective is just a PC way of saying your selfish and self-centered.   Now, this particular person dislikes everyone who doesn’t fit into a specific mold whereas I like most people and appreciate their uniqueness (albeit in small doses) so we could argue over who is more anti-social?  I prefer to label myself “selectively social”.   As for being self-centered, the definition of self-centered is a person who is excessively concerned with herself and her own needs whereas the definition of introspective is a person who spends considerable time examining her own thoughts and feelings.  Subtle differences, so just call me what you will.  I have a dear friend who frequently labels her husband as ‘selfish’.  That label is well deserved, you would cringe in disbelief at some of things she has had to endure.  Setting her aside, when I hear someone call another “selfish” it always elicits an eye-roll from me because by that accusation they imply that they are “not selfish”.  Please!  In my opinion it is human nature to be selfish and self-centered.  Some very mature and wise humans have developed the habit of controlling their innate selfishness and considering the needs of others in their decisions.  Interestingly, these few mature people I know are quick to admit they are selfish!  Truly, anyone who believes they are not is suffering from “self-delusion” and could use a little honest introspection!  [Laughing to myself here]

My personal introspection demands I carefully view all aspects of my perceptions and experiences.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Why do I do what I do? Does how I treat others or behave line up with my beliefs of who I want to be or who I should be?  What should I change, what could I change, what am I willing to change?

Who am I???

I think about how that answer has changed through my life.  When I was young, in my teens, I really had no answer at all.  In my twenties and early thirty’s, the answers reflected not “who I was” but rather “who others expected me to be” or “who I thought I was supposed to be”.  I married for the first time and had children in my mid/late thirty’s.  After that, and for more than a decade, I rarely even asked myself the question anymore.  I simply walked the path I was on and the only answer I had, if I paused to think at all, was “A Mother”.    Being a mother consumed me at first and that hyper focus (among other things) contributed to the demise of my marriage to my children’s father. Funny that, since the definition is barely in my thoughts now a days.  Although I am still ‘A Mother’ with both children still living under my roof, I no longer consider it my defining trait.

So…. Who am I?  Honestly?  That is what this blog, this public diary, is about I suppose.  A journal of discovery.  However, the description of my blog provides some clues.  “Faith and Friesians, friends and hobbies, home and exploration, wine and chocolate, photography and writing, books and movies.”  These things contribute to the question “Who am I?”  The rest I hope to fully discover here.  Hopefully, someone who reads and comments along the way will help me in that quest, thus giving purpose to the “public” part of blogging.

So…. Who are you?  Do you know?

Why a personal blog?

Today is the first day of a blessed four day weekend "stay-cation" where I get to be home, mostly by myself.  Plenty of time to be quiet and think and thus the ideal time to start the personal blog I have been considering for some time. 

The thought of starting a personal blog, what is essentially, a public diary, arose several months ago and last month I threw the thought out for opinions.  I received differing comments but they all fell into one of three categories.  Encouragement, "Why bother, I never read blogs" and "blogs are arrogant self aggrandizement".

So, I considered each opinion.  The encouragement is just that and warranted little contemplation.  For the second I thought about the blogs I read.  Most are informational, how to take better photographs or how to improve my riding.  That is a different thing.  I do follow a couple of personal blogs however, so why?   Because those people are on a journey similar to mine.  I find their journey helpful in contemplating my own.  I find encouragement, food for thought, differing paths and I have read things there that were very valuable to me.  This observation led to thinking about the final opinion.  Do I think my thoughts are so important or valuable that I can influence others through my words?  Who do I think I am to assume anyone would care?  Why do I want to do this? 

Well, the answer to the first two questions are no and nobody.  I am just another human being, I do not desire influence and make no assumptions.  So, why do I want to do this?  Because I want to encourage and help people, even if only a few and my nature simply does not allow me to do that well in a face to face scenario.  I am an extreme introvert.  I have taken several personality tests, one official one while going through my divorce and parenting evaluation.  I test between 89% to 95% introverted.  Yes, I have a few friends that I value beyond measure but there are many times I prefer being alone and will decline invitations for no other reason than that.   Yes, I can talk your ear off about something I am passionate about (or angry about) but I hate small talk and I can go for days without physically talking to another person.  I do not think I have ever experienced the feeling others describe as "loneliness".  I am an animal lover and find more comfort in the company of my horses and dog than I do most people but I do care about people.  I have found social media to be very freeing for me.  There I can, while physically being alone, encourage and uplift people.  This is something I stumble over in person because I can't, in the moment, think of the right thing to say.

So in the end, obviously, I decided to move forward.  A public diary for those few that might find value in what I have to say.  A fellow traveler for those on a similar road. I encourage comments, opinions and alternate views to what I share.  Respectful debates are welcome!

My rosemary is in bloom!  If you have a rosemary plant I highly recommend plucking the flowers and sprinkling them over fettuccini alfredo or spaghetti squash alfredo for those on a low carb diet.  They taste like rosemary but a little more delicate in flavor.  A delicious, once a year treat....YUM!