Who are YOU?

 

My beloved Teagan.

Rafiki: The question is, who are you?

Simba: [sighs] I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure?
        From Disney’s “The Lion King”

‘Who are YOU?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for conversation.  Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’    Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

People might ask “What is your name?”   “What do you do?”  “Are you married?”  "Do you have children?”  The answers are specifics that others can use to form a picture in their head of who you are but seriously, has anyone ever been directly asked the question “Who are you?”?  I am not sure I would know how to answer if anyone did ask!

However, “Who am I?” is a question I have spent a lot of time contemplating, especially of late.  I am an introspective person, not surprisingly since it is a synonym for introverted.  But my introspection has been more pronounced over the last few years.  Passing 50 years of age and realizing that even in the best of circumstances, there are more years behind than ahead has me spending considerable time trying to figure out who I really am and what I want out of life. 

There is an individual in my life who tells me that being introverted is just a convenient label for anti-social and that introspective is just a PC way of saying your selfish and self-centered.   Now, this particular person dislikes everyone who doesn’t fit into a specific mold whereas I like most people and appreciate their uniqueness (albeit in small doses) so we could argue over who is more anti-social?  I prefer to label myself “selectively social”.   As for being self-centered, the definition of self-centered is a person who is excessively concerned with herself and her own needs whereas the definition of introspective is a person who spends considerable time examining her own thoughts and feelings.  Subtle differences, so just call me what you will.  I have a dear friend who frequently labels her husband as ‘selfish’.  That label is well deserved, you would cringe in disbelief at some of things she has had to endure.  Setting her aside, when I hear someone call another “selfish” it always elicits an eye-roll from me because by that accusation they imply that they are “not selfish”.  Please!  In my opinion it is human nature to be selfish and self-centered.  Some very mature and wise humans have developed the habit of controlling their innate selfishness and considering the needs of others in their decisions.  Interestingly, these few mature people I know are quick to admit they are selfish!  Truly, anyone who believes they are not is suffering from “self-delusion” and could use a little honest introspection!  [Laughing to myself here]

My personal introspection demands I carefully view all aspects of my perceptions and experiences.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Why do I do what I do? Does how I treat others or behave line up with my beliefs of who I want to be or who I should be?  What should I change, what could I change, what am I willing to change?

Who am I???

I think about how that answer has changed through my life.  When I was young, in my teens, I really had no answer at all.  In my twenties and early thirty’s, the answers reflected not “who I was” but rather “who others expected me to be” or “who I thought I was supposed to be”.  I married for the first time and had children in my mid/late thirty’s.  After that, and for more than a decade, I rarely even asked myself the question anymore.  I simply walked the path I was on and the only answer I had, if I paused to think at all, was “A Mother”.    Being a mother consumed me at first and that hyper focus (among other things) contributed to the demise of my marriage to my children’s father. Funny that, since the definition is barely in my thoughts now a days.  Although I am still ‘A Mother’ with both children still living under my roof, I no longer consider it my defining trait.

So…. Who am I?  Honestly?  That is what this blog, this public diary, is about I suppose.  A journal of discovery.  However, the description of my blog provides some clues.  “Faith and Friesians, friends and hobbies, home and exploration, wine and chocolate, photography and writing, books and movies.”  These things contribute to the question “Who am I?”  The rest I hope to fully discover here.  Hopefully, someone who reads and comments along the way will help me in that quest, thus giving purpose to the “public” part of blogging.

So…. Who are you?  Do you know?